It's A Motherfucker

"With your beauty so precious and the seasons so fast..."

I don't really know what else to say. Thirteen years just seemed to have blinked by and now he's gone, he was always there and now he's gone. We have been preparing ourselves for this on and off for the past five years, they tell you that goldens don't live much longer than 9 years old. Through all that time you figure we would have found a way to not make it hurt as much but I can assure you that is definitely not the case. That nauseating feeling circulated through my body when I heard, as if preparing myself for the massive upheaval that was about to occur. You can't blame us for wanting to keep him around forever, anybody who spent more than five minutes with him was instantly hooked. He had the ability to heal wounds with just a look of that slightly amused dead pan expression he always wore. His compassion and love made him unique, but his sense of humor made him a life saver. He never wanted to be left alone, he never excluded anybody (except when it came to eating), and he would listen without judgement or complaint. He would make a complete ass of himself and never act embarassed or self-concious, or make someone else feel small when he did. He was perfect so we didn't have to be, he was our therapist, best friend, and confidant. He never asked for anything in return. That's what I'll miss I suppose, he was full of that spirit that makes you appreciate life and more importantly your life a little bit more. We're all looking for it, we're lucky in that we found it in such a silly creature. I miss you buddy, but I know you're doing the exact same thing you were doing down here, so I'm not worried.

There's a Calvin and Hobbes I thought of today, well actually, two of them and I couldn't stop thinking about them all day today. The first being one where Calvin finds a raccoon that dies a few hours later. Calvin says this in reponse to the whole event, it pretty much sums it up...

"This is where dad buried the little raccoon, I didn't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason, I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still...in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. What a stupid world."

And the other one is one where Calvin and Hobbes are in bed saying goodnight to each other. They realize, however, that they can meet up in each other's dreams so they can continue to play. Bill Watterson said he wrote that after his cat had died and he thought the best way to see her again was in his dreams.

I hope I see Cinnamon in my dreams, and Summer too. It's so hard to imagine him not being around, maybe I can see him whenever I want, maybe he will be around forever. He would like us to think so I imagine.

This is a song I've been thinking about a lot today. I was going to just use a quote, but here's the whole thing...

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I dont remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought youd always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now youre nowhere to be found

I dont know what happens when people die
Cant seem to grasp it as hard as I try
Its like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I cant sing
I cant help listening
And I cant help feeling stupid standing round
Crying as they ease you down
cause I know that youd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(theres nothing you can do about it anyway)

Just do the steps that youve been shown
By everyone youve ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Anothers steps have grown
In the end there is one dance youll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Dont let the uncertainty turn you around
(the world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But youll never know