Yippee Kay Yay Mr. Falcon

Hello there, I know it's been a few hours north of a month since my last post.

I'd like to make amends right now, by giving you folks a little something I like to call.

Ethan's People, A new segment for the people by the people.

Actually, it's really more of a rant that I've been thinking about for quite some time, and by some time I mean the past couple of hours and a few minutes here and there while I was on a run today.

As you no doubt have heard, it is now official: Live Free or Die Hard has been rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, language, and a brief sexual situation, apparently.

What da fuck?

Granted, I knew about this several weeks prior when it was officially leaked via bruce willis through some drunken rant he gave at a nets game wherein he not only revealed the rating but how uniquely jersey trash he actually is. So this really isn't new news, however, it is upsetting. And there are several reasons why: but first let me issue a disclaimer:

I here acknowledge that we as citizens of the planet earth were and are still in no need of a fourth die hard movie especially one called live free or die hard. I was always a little against the project from the beginning, primarily because die hard with a vengeance was so goddamn good (and as Spiderman 3 proved) it is very hard to go out strong on your third movie. There was a sense of completeness there like they waited five years between die harder, they got John McTiernan back, everything had come full circle. When it was announced, after many gestating years of rumors and false starts, i was more than anything in need of a reminder as to what a fourth die hard movie could be. Plus the whole set up just seemed like a cash-in and a lame one at that. Techno terrorists? Live Free or Die Hard? Bald Bruce Willis? The whole enterprise just seemed so smug and aware of its ludicrous existense that it seems like it wants to fit nicely next to Snakes on a Plane for a double feature of shit. The only saving grace behind this comatose franchise being brought back to life via mouth to mouth from the guy who did not only underworld but underworld 2 was that it would be loud, vulgar, and violent. Not that I am ordinarily in need of those things in movies (in fact people are usually idiots when it comes to that stuff) but Die Hard has a certain finesse when it comes to those topics in that it never seems gratuitous or mean spriited like Eli Roth type torture porn (and I will always call it that), I at least hope it would be a satisfying action movie. Then the trailer came along and I wasn't blown away by it or completely assuaged in my fear. But it did look like fun with one shot that pisses me off only because I had the idea for using a car as a missile against a helicopter many many years ago except I always imagined it taking place over a very small river, not sure if that would have worked. I don't know what's more depressing, that I thought of it or that Die Hard 4 is the Die Hard that wound up using it. Anyway, the trailer had some lame parts, it seems a bit too jokey and self aware in a way the old movies were not and the Kevin Smith cameo looks pretty bad and I really like kevin smith. In essence, red flags. Then I hear this bullshit about a PG-13 rating and I lost it.

Why is it that filmmakers are allowed to carve up, disembowel, castrate, behead, and dismember teenagers (usually Female) at the drop of a hat and still get away with an R rating. Why is it okay for teenagers to sneak into those movies (The very same who are getting killed) but the idea of such a fragile minded young individual sneaking into an R rated Die Hard movie is too appalling to consider. I won't turn this into a rant against the MPAA because violence always gets a free pass no matter what especially when it comes to sex. But how come horror is allowed to be R now but action is not. The R Rated action movie has all but disappeared, replaced in its stead by the Neal Moritz shit parade. Classics such as The Fast and the Furious Trilogy, S.W.A.T Stealth and many more have been produced under the guise of this bullshit bastard. And it was in these films that they stumbled upon a formula, if they could only subtly hint at the mindless violence of the 80's action movies without showing anything, they could make a bundle. They could get every kid in every mall to be exposed to the kinds of movies they want to see without their parents having to be dragged along, its win win for everybody. Blood and mayhem were replaced by rapid fire editing and an inane inability to accurately stage an action sequence. Violence was something to be feared on screen. Which is weird, because for a time in the early to mid 90's there were moments when it seemed impossible to escape another R- rated action movie ready to fire somebody out of a tower on alcatraz and have them impaled on a fence post. What happened? was this a reponse to 9/11 (a half assed one at that). Did kids suddenly exhibit their buying muscle while adults just gave up and watched the very things that makes being an adult great go to waste?

I've realized that i've already typed more than I intended to, I will continue this tomorrow.

Until then...

to be continued...